Wednesday, July 26, 2006

iDont and Neither Should You

(Not an iPod)

Telling people not to buy an iPod is like telling the Middle East to be easy. But I'm going to try this again, chill on the iPod purchases for a minute.
Not because it has become a status symbol of our thoughtless all-consuming commodity culture but because there may be a new and better status symbol coming out within the next 6 months and it may not be a newer iPod (which should also be out in the next 6 months.)

Bill Gates is tired of seeing people running around Microsoft HQ with little white earbuds and thus Microsoft is coming out with their own portable media player, although it's not the most original looking device out there.

And when Microsoft comes out with something, they make sure it wins.
They are talking about allowing you to swap your iTunes songs (that you bought legally, you thieves...) with their Microsoft songs for free and promoting this whole movement with a Super Bowl ad so that fools recognize that Billy G is in town and he doesn't like them Apples...

It should be out before Christmas, read more about it here.

If you don't have that kind of patience you can easily find a superior replacement that costs less, for any iPod out there today.

The iPod Shuffle ($70) is < The Dell Ditty ($40 for a horribly named product)

The iPod Nano ($250) is < The Sandisk Sansa E200 ($230 for another poorly named product, but they did create the site.)

The iPod Video ($300) is < Toshiba Gigabeat ($270)

If you can't keep up with it all, there is one gadget that you can cop that will help you deal with all of this.
The cellphone gun.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Forget the World Cup, It's Miss Universe Time


While I appreciate the global scale of the World Cup and the intense nationalist feelings it reveals, it's no where as fun as deriding entire countries based on the appearance of their women.

Why else do football (soccer) matches on TV always cut to the female fans?
It's all about which country has the hottest women.

This is a pageant so you tend to find a certain kind of "pageant beauty" which means no phatties, thighs don't touch when standing straight, several ribs may be visible and the women may be rocking the 50 teeth smile. It's particularly bad during the Miss America pageant but on the global scale it's more bearable.

First things first, Miss Universe is a bootleg Miss World since several key countries are missing.
Secondly, Miss Puerto Rico won.
I can live with that because as you can see above, she can make it happen.

Check out the other chicks here,

Off the bat, what countries are you expecting to have the hottest women?

I'm checking for,

Dominican Republic
The Horn of Africa (Somolia, Eritrea, Ethiopia, etc)
At least 2 Eastern European Soviet Bloc countries and Czech Republic for the next Nikita Denise
On the strength of Shakira alone I have big expections for Colombia
Namibia (Jolie might represent)
Pics of Miss Israel and Lebanon together (Miss Lebanon looks like she's about to slap the shit out of Miss Israel)

And it must be noted that Ms. Belgium is A-OK

(Jeezus H. Christmas...)

Miss Ukraine was a thumbs up and so was Miss St. Lucia.

Although there were plenty of pleasant surprises, I was a little disappointed with what the Universe had to offer this year, but I might download the show to see this chicks in live action or maybe just to see Ms. Puerto Rico faint after she gets crowned.

Eating disorders ain't no joke.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Parting Shots

Little Man is the fastest movie to reach IMDB's Worst 100 movies where it is currently #5 (Monique's Phat Girlz is #2.)

And then my friend sent me this blurb from a review of 'Little Man",

  • Darryl'’s sincere optimism enhances Little Man'’s premise. It zeroes in on our culture'’s usual infantilization of the black male, satirizing it as a literal form of bastardization. The soubriquet '“little man'” was used boastfully in Waist Deep by a thuggish young father'’s encouraging machismo in his grade school son. Through such popular premature address, hip-hop culture feeds on the social pathologies affecting family disintegration during the post-Reagan, post-crack era.

If people keep overanalysizing black movies and supporting them they will remain the trash that they are.

Speaking of confusion about black images presented to the masses, this Sunday Comedy Central will air the last episode from the Chappelle Show's faux 3rd season.
By noweveryone knows that he supposedly heard a white crew member laugh in the "wrong" kind of way at one of his sketches and started wondering if his show was just reconfirming stereptypes instead of defanging them.

Here's the skit that ended the show:

And Part 2 with audience discussion:

It starts off insightful enough and just degrades as it goes along. It's average, nothing to end a $50 million contract over.

What should Dave Chappelle be more worried about, his brand of self-aware racial comedy or the type of completely unaware coonery the Ying-Yang Twins display here.

Damn homie.

And finally, watch the best MTV Cribs ever and mourn over the fact that The Chappelle Show is no more:

He was rich biotch.
Peace homie.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Snitch of the Week: 7/9 - 7/15

When people say rap music makes black people stupid, they aren't just being dramatic.

Terrence Jones, a dumb jig from Brooklyn, was so intent on proving how real his coke raps were that he incriminated himself and his whole criminal enterprise in his lyrics and his album notes.

  • Terrence "Big Chef" Jones and 20 others were arrested last week, bringing an end to a 16-month narcotics investigation of the Bushwick Houses, called "Operation Bushwhack". Big Chef referred to himself as "the 500-gram cooker" and the "bag twister" in his lyrics, and listed the names of his drug-dealing crew in the liner notes of his CD.

    "It's like the confessions of a rap star/drug dealer," Inspector Steven Powers of the Brooklyn North Narcotics Unit told The NY Daily News. "We looked at it and said, 'Wow, he's giving a lot of details about his life".

Peep the article.

MF Doom has a song called "Rapp Snitches Knishes" with a chorus that goes

"Rapp snitches, tellin' all they business
sit in the court and be they own star witness
do you see the perpetrator?, Yeah im right here
fuck around get the whole label sent up for years"

MF Doom is almost as prescient as Dave Chappelle's Tupac skit.

I'm no elitist backpacker, but hip-hop used to be a force for good.
Dallas Penn can tell you more about that in what may be the best blog post of the year.
Black people aren't even trying to stay out of jail anymore.

Terrence "Big Chef" Jones, for your incredible stupidity and self-incrimination, you are the Snitch of the Week.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Snitch of the Week: 7/2 - 7/8

(I'm sure several Sopranos actors are on this list)

A lot of the today's notion of snitching has its origins in the mob world, since they were the first to popularize the so-called honor code and then publicly Start Snitching on each other to save their own asses.

A few weeks ago the Times dropped a little article about how the entire mafia is basically a wrap due to snitches.

Italians Start Snitching (NY Times)

To all the Italian-Americans out there who are dropping dimes on each other and keeping stereotypes alive, you are the Snitch of the Week.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

The Heat Can't Stop Me!

I've been bunkered down deep in the forts of Brooklyn battling the heat and dodging Israeli rocket fire, but I'm still here.

I was deeply discouraged by the fact that Amos N' Andy's, I mean the Wayans Brothers, newest advertisement for slavery made more than $20 million in its first weekend.

Seriously, who sees this shit?

I have friends who told me that "White Chicks" was funny and those "friends" have never gained my respect back.

Marlon Wayans is a midget criminal who must pose as a baby in order to bring some half-cocked scheme to fruition.

This shit made me glad that the Voting Rights Act almost didn't get renewed. (But it did, 390-33. All 33 "Nay" vote were Republicans and a bunch of them came from Texas. It's all here. Voting Breakdown.)

Republicans really wonder why black people won't vote for them?
Maybe because it's Bush is the only President in 80 years to not speak to the bullshit NAACP?

Although if you saw "Little Man," you probably don't vote, and rightly so.

- With so many fools not voting, some fool in Arizona wants to award a $1 million prize to one voter during each election and he got his idea on the ballot.

Vote for Cash (NY Times)

Just what we need, more poor people with lotto mentality voting.

Seriously though, most of politics is bullshit and it doesn't take much to become disillusioned with the whole political machine, but giving out voting jackpots like Crackerjack prizes doesn't help people pay attention.

If more people were shot by snipers and had their polling stations bombed like a good portion of the world, then maybe people would appreciate our (generally) free elections.

Vote or Die!

Excuse me, I meant Vote and Die!

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

The End is Near...

Look at this ad based on HBO's fake Hollywood lifestyle show Entourage,

And then look at this moron on CNBC who reports about Pirates of the Caribbean beating the record of said fake movie.

With the Daily Show running this news game, Comedy Central is now a more reliable source of information than most news networks.

I swear if they turned the cameras around on these shows you'd see monkeys banging typewriters and the weathermen doing blow.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Lazy Bloggers Post Chappelle Show Clips

Why is this better than most rap songs in the Top 40?
Chappelle has the cadence and delivery of Pac with the same content Pac wrote about.
This was better than the last Pac album Eminem produced.

Although I felt dirty watching the Chappelle Show premiere and it was largely underwhelming, I would fight through the guilt if it brought me anything this funny again.

Stop hitting the table.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Stop Pardoning Black People

(Let my people go... to prison)

Jig-jog supreme, Dallas Austin was pardoned from drug charges in Dubai, one of those crazy Muslim countries where they cut your hand off for stealing Skittles.

This fool "forgot" he had cocaine with him when he got on the plane to go to Naomi Campbell's birthday party and got busted.
Just like I "forgot" to pay the fare when I used to jump the turnstile.

Anyway, the news isn't the fact that he was pardoned, but who got him pardoned.

The normal nigro crew of Lionel Richie, who has bailed out Nicole Richie dozens of times, and Quincy Jones were key to his pardon, but the real kicker was the fact that Senator Orrin Hatch, a conservative Utah republican was the real force behind getting him home.

From the article,

  • "This involved multiple ambassadors, a prime minister, a prince, Lionel Richie, the senator and religious leaders in Atlanta," Mr. Reeder said. "The uniting factor of all these people,— the religious leaders, the political leaders, entertainment figures and prominent private citizens, was humanitarian considerations," he said. "Where should this man be under these circumstances?"
Are you fucking serious?
I'm glad all these people could unite for the all-important cause of getting a drug-addicted music producer back to America. It's good to see the government and the leaders of the black community use their influence on such profound issues.

First a white judge lets Lil Kim off easy and she comes home as a some kind of obese war hero and now this nigro gets a pass.
It's a damn shame.
Remember young negroes, don't do drugs unless you know enough white people to get you off.

Dallas Austin Knows White People (NY Times)


- Because no one listened to my rantings, Pirates of the Caribbean now has the largest opening weekend ever, the biggest one day gross ever and a bunch of other records.

$135 million in three days.
More than Spider-Man and any other movie you liked.
Friends don't let friends see Pirates of the Carribean.

- All college will soon be female colleges.

Women are running men out of college. (NY Times)

  • "I hate to be cynical, but when it was a problem of black or poor kids, nobody cared, but now that it's a problem of white sons of college-educated parents, it's moving very rapidly to the forefront," Dr. Kleinfeld said. "At most colleges, there is a sense that a lot of boys are missing in action."
Speak that truth Dr. Kleinfeld.

- I don't know if any of y'all are up on this whole Net Neutrality issue.
Here's a link if you care. Save The Internet.

Some would think, "If I don't understand this, my government will."

Those people would be absolutely wrong.
Peep what this crooked (took nearly a quarter of a $1 billion to make a bridge for 50 people) and absolutely retarded Republican Senator said in a recent debate on the issue.

  • The Internet is "not a big truck," Senator Ted Stevens, Republican of Alaska, informed his Senate colleagues on June 28. "It is a series of tubes."

    Mr. Stevens was assailing a proposed amendment to a bill in the Commerce, Science and Transportation Committee; he is the committee chairman. The amendment, which failed in a tie vote, would have barred Internet service providers from charging fees to give some companies speedier access to the Internet. (The audio of Mr. Stevens's comments is at

    The Net is neutral, with all content providers having the same level of service, in terms of speed. Mr. Stevens says this is a problem.

    "Just the other day," he said, "an Internet was sent by my staff at 10 o'clock in the morning on Friday and I got it yesterday. Why? Because it got tangled up with all these things going on the Internet commercially."


Sunday, July 09, 2006

They Play Street Fighter in France?

(Zidane? Is that you?)

So Italy flopped and dove their way to a lucky World Cup title which no one with any sense should be happy about.
Despite the sad outcome, it was a pretty good game.

The moment of note is when Zidane gave a Street Fighter II style, Balrog head-butt to Materazzi.

Damn. Of course he got kicked out of the game and then the team had to rely on some other bum for penalty kicks.
Italy hit all of theirs and France missed one so it was a wrap for the froggies.

I am still trying to figure out what was said to Zidane to make him drop a vicious head-butt like that.

If you watch this clip you can see that the head-buttee, Materazzi is a dirty bastard.

Materazzi must have called his mom an Algerian dog catcher or something really European and racist for Zidane to ignore the fact that penalty kicks were about to start and fuck over his whole team.

I gotta give Italy props for the mind games though, when your flailing fails, attack the cerebral.

All I know is that there were a lot of people watching Amelie and crying into their red wine tonight.
I feel your pain.
Zut alors!!!

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Snitch of the Week: 6/25 - 7/1

(Cheney's coming ...)

After the NY Times along with the Wall Street Journal and L.A. Times outed the Bush administration's program of international bank surveillance people went crazy.

"Their editor should be executed for treason!"
"The NY Times supports terrorism!"

That was just some of the commentary that was flying around.

I guess I can understand it.

The media has slept through most of the Bush administration, so it's a quite a surprise when a newspaper actually publishes something worth a damn.
real l
"What? Real news?!"

But all the programs that people are complaining about and crying treason over are known about by anyone who has even a Muslim cousin somewhere on their mama's side.

Terrorists know not to use the phone to plan out their next bombing or send money from their bank account to the Jihad Bank of Arabia.

In Showtime's miniseries Sleeper Cell, a terrorist stoned one of his own followers to death for discussing plans on the phone. Even fake terrorists know the deal.

And some real life Muslims don't even donate to mosques because they ain't trying to be tracked like that.

All these newspapers did was fill in some of the details on these programs for anyone that doesn't know what's really popping out there.

But you know what they say,

"Either you're with us or against us."

Bill Keller and company, for going forwarding and publishing your "treasonous" articles you are the Snitch of the Week.

Pirate of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest

(Don't do it.)

Jesus Christ that was bad.
Almost bad enough to make me wonder why I liked the first one so much.

The movie is over 150 minutes long.
It's a bad sign when a sequel is only 8 minutes longer than the original, yet it feels like an extra 80 minutes of fat.

The first movie was quirky and clean theme park-ready fun that worked solely because of Johnny Depp.
He did his best Keith Richards impression and it was a good time for all.

But some ideas get lucky and do so well the first time, that people think they are good enough to be repeated, twice even.
Much like the Matrix, the initial success spurred these fools to try for a trilogy.
Almost nothing needs to be a trilogy.

Jerry Bruckheimer, the soulless producer, responsible for such crimes against humanity as Bad Boys 2 and less offensive assembly-line fare such as CSI, Without a trace and E-Ring is solely to blame.

With the same director, writers and cast, this franchise is now just a tired vehicle to create fun rides for Disney's waterparks.

Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom are not interesting. They are just satellites for Depp, who tries his best, but can't carry the whole thing because they try to split the story between them all as well as create some shitty love triangle, or square if you count the fourth guy who tried to bang Knightley in part 1.

It's really sad that this movie will make more than Superman in its opening weekend.

It's also ironic that with everyone looking for gay context in Superman and then wondering how that would affect his box office, Johnny Depp's ultra-gay pirate (and pirates are already extra gay to begin with) will bring in assloads of money this weekend.

I'm not just hating because I want Superman to make more money.
I'm hating because "POTC 2" was a bloated, structureless mess.

I've been accused of film snobbery many times and while that may be true, I know how to turn off my brain and enjoy summer movies when they deserve the chance.

But this shit was straight foolish.
Just to go Disneyworld.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Fuck the Emmy's

(More worthless every year.)

First off, peep the nominees...

  • Best Drama

    Grey's Anatomy
    The Sopranos
    The West Wing

    The episode I saw of Grey's Anatomy had a prom and a bomb explosion in a hospital. No.

    House is good. Can't hate on that type of bitter sarcasm.

    Sopranos had a good season but this show isn't great anymore.

    Everyone tells me 24 was over the top this season. This show's sole purpose is to make America support torture.

    The West Wing is a tired liberal fantasy where the Middle East crisis gets solved in one episode.

    I'm glad Desperate Househos got left off but where is Six Feet Under?! Lost?
    And I must ask, where the figgity fuck is The Shield?
    Any show that omits The Shield for Grey's Anatomy is a joke.
    Grey's Anatomy is my new enemy.

  • Best Comedy

    Arrested Development
    Two and a Half Men
    Curb Your Enthusiasm
    The Office

    AD was laugh out loud funny at one point. They can stay.

    Never got into Scrubs.

    Charlie Sheen called Denise Richards a nigger and his show is corny.

    CYE previous season was its worst.

    The Office kicks your ass.

    Extras and Everyone Hates Chris could have got some love but It's Always Sunny in Philadeplhia runs this hands down. Another robbery.

  • Lead Actor, Drama

    Peter Krause, Six Feet Under
    Denis Leary, Rescue Me
    Christopher Meloni, Law and Order: SVU
    Martin Sheen, The West Wing
    Keifer Sutherland, 24

    Peter Krause deserves some recognition. He will win, unless he doesn't.
    Since Michael Chiklis isn't on here, fuck the rest of these people.

    Lead Actress, Drama

    Francis Conroy, Six Feet Under
    Geena Davis, Commander-in-Chief
    Mariska Hargitay, Law and Order: SVU
    Allison Janney, The West Wing
    Krya Sedgwick, The Closer

    I heard The Closer is good but the last season of 6 FU was too incredible not to win.

    Lead Actor, Comedy

    Steve Carell, The Office
    Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm
    Kevin James, The King of Queens
    Tony Shalhoub, Monk
    Charlie Sheen, Two and a Half Men

    Lead Actress, Comedy

    Jane Kaczmarek, Malcolm in the Middle
    Lisa Kudrow, The Comeback
    Stockard Channing, Out of Practice
    Debra Messing, Will and Grace
    Julia Louis-Dreyfus, The New Adventures of Old Christine

    Supporting Actor, Comedy

    Will Arnet, Arrested Development
    Jeremy Piven, Entourage
    Bryan Cranston, Malcolm in the Middle
    Jon Cryer, Two and a Half Men
    Sean Hayes, Will and Grace

    Supporting Actress, Comedy

    Cheryl Hines, Curb Your Enthusiasm
    Alfre Woodard, Desperate Housewives
    Jamie Pressly, My Name Is Earl
    Elizabeth Perkins, Weeds
    Megan Mullally, Will and Grace

    Comments: Don't really care about all these comedies.

    Supporting Actor, Drama

    William Shatner, Boston Legal
    Oliver Platt, Huff
    Michael Imperioli, The Sopranos
    Gregory Itzin, 24
    Alan Alda, The West Wing

    Comments: Forest Whitaker was incredible on The Shield this season. Based on the season's structure I might even say he was better than Michael Chiklis.

    Supporting Actress, Drama

    Candice Bergan, Boston Legal
    Sandra Oh, Grey's Anatomy
    Chandra Wilson, Grey's Anatomy
    Blythe Daner, Huff
    Jean Smart, 24

    Comments: Grey's Anatomy is trash.

So it seems like The Shield and Lost received no nominations.
Some people are already calling the Emmys racist.
I don't know about all that (they did nominate Sleeper Cell, full of A-rabs, Negroes and terrorists as Best Miniseries,) but they sure are stupid.

I think I'll be skipping this one.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Oh No They Didn't...

(Does France know about this?)

Some Christians in Memphis threw a cross in the Statue of Liberty's hand, wrote Jehovah on her crown and made her hold The Ten Commandments and renamed her the Statue of Liberation Through Christ. And she has a tear on her face. I wonder why.

Statue of Christ (NY Times)

- In Season 3 of The Wire they created a drug haven where addicts and dealers could do whatever they wanted (drug related), as long as they kept it within certain boundaries. They allowed this because too many little kids were getting shot in turf wars and grandmothers were afraid of their own neighborhoods.

Apparently somebody watches the Wire because in Seattle they have created a haven for homeless alcoholics to drink themselves to death, as opposed to them running up your tax bill by using more expensive emergency rooms, jails and homeless shelters.

Kudos to you Seattle.

Alcohol Apartments (NY Times)

- In order to fix the labor crisis in Louisiana, slavery has been reinstated. Or maybe they just use convicts to perform all the reconstruction and the sheriffs pocket the money off of the labor. Same difference.
Either way this shit is wild.

Slavery's Back (NY Times)

- The Times also has an article on a Wife Swap on the Middle East which is has limitless potential. (Guess which family ended up being more racist?) and an article about an identity that is worth reading.

Wife Swap (NY Times)

ID Thief (NY Times)

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Soccer Makes You Racist

The World Cup is now 100% Negro free.

First they made Brazil take out Ghana, (more black on black crime) and then had them play France (who they have a mental block against) instead of a crap team like Ukraine.

Why do you hate black people FIFA?

After Brazil lost, the post-game commentary in Brooklyn was something along the lines of, "That slavery mentality got in their ass. They couldn't beat their old European masters."

Seriously, why the hell can't Brazil beat France?

I guess I have to cheer for Portugal, or something...
They are basically the original Brazilians right?

As long as Italy and Germany don't win it I'll be fine.

German is also racist against other Europeans.
Peep this.

German site slur provides inspiration for Italy

Associated Press
Posted: 18 minutes ago

HAMBURG, Germany (AP) - Italy already has some inspiration to beat Germany in the World Cup semifinals.An article posted on the Web site of German weekly Der Spiegel earlier this week defined Italians as "parasites, mamma's boys and slimy," causing outrage in Italy's World Cup camp.

Der Spiegel pulled the story as soon it got wind of the controversy it created. The magazine also issued an apology, but the damage was done and it's sure to be discussed again ahead of Tuesday's World Cup semifinals.

"As an Italian and captain of the national team I feel offended," defender Fabio Cannavaro said. "These stereotypes applied to us come from an old culture that has been overly abused. It shocks me that this can happen in a civilized country like Germany."

On Friday, Italy advanced to the semifinals after a 3-0 win over Ukraine. Germany beat Argentina 4-2 on penalty kicks after a 1-1 draw earlier in the day. The semifinal match will be Tuesday in Dortmund.

Italy set up its World Cup camp in industrial Duisburg, an area filled with Italian immigrants, with the idea that the team would be inspired by the success stories of its countrymen abroad.

Antonio Pelle, the owner of the hotel where the Azzurri staying, worked his way up from a dishwasher in his native Calabria.

Some 600,000 Italians live in Germany, the second-largest immigrant population after Turks.

"From fashion to restaurants, we're a population of workers," defender Alessandro Nesta said. "People criticize us, but then they want to dress and eat like us. There's a bit of jealousy.

"If everyone's attacking us, it must mean that people fear us. We have great pride in what we're doing," Nesta added.

Italy can also look back to its 4-1 rout of Germany in March in a friendly match. Alberto Gilardino, Luca Toni, Daniele De Rossi and Alessandro Del Piero each scored before Robert Huth notched Germany's lone goal in the 82nd minute in Florence.

Between them, Italy and Germany have won six World Cups and four European championships. They also played one of the most memorable games in history - Italy's 4-3 extra time win over West Germany in the 1970 World Cup semifinals.

In the 1982 World Cup final, Italy beat West Germany 3-1 for its last major title.

"For me, Italy-Germany will always be that legendary 4-3," Italy coach Marcello Lippi said before the game in March. "Even though we won a World Cup against them in '82, it's that game from 1970 that I always remember."


They definitely deserved their loss.
Vive la France!!!

White People with Dreads. No.

(Flower, left, and Heather Bee, react after their informal wedding at the Rainbow gathering.)

That was the real caption.

Some hippies want to burn down a forest or something. The story is irrelevant, the real issue is the fact that hippies are the only group that rightly deserve the animus of society. See why here.

- And that the hell is this Negro doing?