Saturday, July 08, 2006

Pirate of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest

(Don't do it.)

Jesus Christ that was bad.
Almost bad enough to make me wonder why I liked the first one so much.

The movie is over 150 minutes long.
It's a bad sign when a sequel is only 8 minutes longer than the original, yet it feels like an extra 80 minutes of fat.

The first movie was quirky and clean theme park-ready fun that worked solely because of Johnny Depp.
He did his best Keith Richards impression and it was a good time for all.

But some ideas get lucky and do so well the first time, that people think they are good enough to be repeated, twice even.
Much like the Matrix, the initial success spurred these fools to try for a trilogy.
Almost nothing needs to be a trilogy.

Jerry Bruckheimer, the soulless producer, responsible for such crimes against humanity as Bad Boys 2 and less offensive assembly-line fare such as CSI, Without a trace and E-Ring is solely to blame.

With the same director, writers and cast, this franchise is now just a tired vehicle to create fun rides for Disney's waterparks.

Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom are not interesting. They are just satellites for Depp, who tries his best, but can't carry the whole thing because they try to split the story between them all as well as create some shitty love triangle, or square if you count the fourth guy who tried to bang Knightley in part 1.

It's really sad that this movie will make more than Superman in its opening weekend.

It's also ironic that with everyone looking for gay context in Superman and then wondering how that would affect his box office, Johnny Depp's ultra-gay pirate (and pirates are already extra gay to begin with) will bring in assloads of money this weekend.

I'm not just hating because I want Superman to make more money.
I'm hating because "POTC 2" was a bloated, structureless mess.

I've been accused of film snobbery many times and while that may be true, I know how to turn off my brain and enjoy summer movies when they deserve the chance.

But this shit was straight foolish.
Just to go Disneyworld.

No comments:

Post a Comment