Survivor: Apartheid Edition

Survivor is segregating contestants into four racial groups for its newest season.
Blacks, Whites, Latinos and Asians (are those all the races?) will square off in the ultimate death match which will decide which race will rule all of Earth, once and for all. Or they will probably just split some monetary prize.

I've never watched an episode of Survivor before but you can be damn sure that I'll be tuned in on September 14th when it starts off.
Will the biggest drama between the races or within the races themselves?
Will the light skinned Blacks get along with the dark skinned ones?
This has to be good.


- There is Prison Break on Fox where you always come out on top,

And then there is Prison Break in real life, where you get shot in your back.

If only the guy who got shot could have known that before he tried to escape.

- And in lesser news, the entire solar system we exist in has been reinvented. Pluto got booted from the planetary club and now we're rocking 8 planets.

Watch your back Neptune...

The Heat Can't Stop Me!

I've been bunkered down deep in the forts of Brooklyn battling the heat and dodging Israeli rocket fire, but I'm still here.

I was deeply discouraged by the fact that Amos N' Andy's, I mean the Wayans Brothers, newest advertisement for slavery made more than $20 million in its first weekend.



Seriously, who sees this shit?

I have friends who told me that "White Chicks" was funny and those "friends" have never gained my respect back.

Marlon Wayans is a midget criminal who must pose as a baby in order to bring some half-cocked scheme to fruition.
Brilliant!

This shit made me glad that the Voting Rights Act almost didn't get renewed. (But it did, 390-33. All 33 "Nay" vote were Republicans and a bunch of them came from Texas. It's all here. Voting Breakdown.)

Republicans really wonder why black people won't vote for them?
Maybe because it's Bush is the only President in 80 years to not speak to the bullshit NAACP?

Although if you saw "Little Man," you probably don't vote, and rightly so.


- With so many fools not voting, some fool in Arizona wants to award a $1 million prize to one voter during each election and he got his idea on the ballot.

Vote for Cash (NY Times)

Just what we need, more poor people with lotto mentality voting.

Seriously though, most of politics is bullshit and it doesn't take much to become disillusioned with the whole political machine, but giving out voting jackpots like Crackerjack prizes doesn't help people pay attention.

If more people were shot by snipers and had their polling stations bombed like a good portion of the world, then maybe people would appreciate our (generally) free elections.

Vote or Die!


Excuse me, I meant Vote and Die!

Stop Pardoning Black People

(Let my people go... to prison)

Jig-jog supreme, Dallas Austin was pardoned from drug charges in Dubai, one of those crazy Muslim countries where they cut your hand off for stealing Skittles.

This fool "forgot" he had cocaine with him when he got on the plane to go to Naomi Campbell's birthday party and got busted.
Just like I "forgot" to pay the fare when I used to jump the turnstile.

Anyway, the news isn't the fact that he was pardoned, but who got him pardoned.

The normal nigro crew of Lionel Richie, who has bailed out Nicole Richie dozens of times, and Quincy Jones were key to his pardon, but the real kicker was the fact that Senator Orrin Hatch, a conservative Utah republican was the real force behind getting him home.

From the article,

• "This involved multiple ambassadors, a prime minister, a prince, Lionel Richie, the senator and religious leaders in Atlanta," Mr. Reeder said. "The uniting factor of all these people,— the religious leaders, the political leaders, entertainment figures and prominent private citizens, was humanitarian considerations," he said. "Where should this man be under these circumstances?"

Are you fucking serious?
I'm glad all these people could unite for the all-important cause of getting a drug-addicted music producer back to America. It's good to see the government and the leaders of the black community use their influence on such profound issues.

First a white judge lets Lil Kim off easy and she comes home as a some kind of obese war hero and now this nigro gets a pass.
It's a damn shame.
Remember young negroes, don't do drugs unless you know enough white people to get you off.

Dallas Austin Knows White People (NY Times)

______________________________________________

- Because no one listened to my rantings, Pirates of the Caribbean now has the largest opening weekend ever, the biggest one day gross ever and a bunch of other records.

$135 million in three days.
More than Spider-Man and any other movie you liked.
Friends don't let friends see Pirates of the Carribean.


- All college will soon be female colleges.

Women are running men out of college. (NY Times)

• "I hate to be cynical, but when it was a problem of black or poor kids, nobody cared, but now that it's a problem of white sons of college-educated parents, it's moving very rapidly to the forefront," Dr. Kleinfeld said. "At most colleges, there is a sense that a lot of boys are missing in action."

Speak that truth Dr. Kleinfeld.


- I don't know if any of y'all are up on this whole Net Neutrality issue.
Here's a link if you care. Save The Internet.

Some would think, "If I don't understand this, my government will."

Those people would be absolutely wrong.
Peep what this crooked (took nearly a quarter of a $1 billion to make a bridge for 50 people) and absolutely retarded Republican Senator said in a recent debate on the issue.

• The Internet is "not a big truck," Senator Ted Stevens, Republican of Alaska, informed his Senate colleagues on June 28. "It is a series of tubes."
  
  Mr. Stevens was assailing a proposed amendment to a bill in the Commerce, Science and Transportation Committee; he is the committee chairman. The amendment, which failed in a tie vote, would have barred Internet service providers from charging fees to give some companies speedier access to the Internet. (The audio of Mr. Stevens's comments is at publicknowledge.org.)
  
  The Net is neutral, with all content providers having the same level of service, in terms of speed. Mr. Stevens says this is a problem.
  
  "Just the other day," he said, "an Internet was sent by my staff at 10 o'clock in the morning on Friday and I got it yesterday. Why? Because it got tangled up with all these things going on the Internet commercially."
  

WOW.

Oh No They Didn't...

(Does France know about this?)

Some Christians in Memphis threw a cross in the Statue of Liberty's hand, wrote Jehovah on her crown and made her hold The Ten Commandments and renamed her the Statue of Liberation Through Christ. And she has a tear on her face. I wonder why.

Statue of Christ (NY Times)

- In Season 3 of The Wire they created a drug haven where addicts and dealers could do whatever they wanted (drug related), as long as they kept it within certain boundaries. They allowed this because too many little kids were getting shot in turf wars and grandmothers were afraid of their own neighborhoods.

Apparently somebody watches the Wire because in Seattle they have created a haven for homeless alcoholics to drink themselves to death, as opposed to them running up your tax bill by using more expensive emergency rooms, jails and homeless shelters.

Kudos to you Seattle.

Alcohol Apartments (NY Times)

- In order to fix the labor crisis in Louisiana, slavery has been reinstated. Or maybe they just use convicts to perform all the reconstruction and the sheriffs pocket the money off of the labor. Same difference.
Either way this shit is wild.

Slavery's Back (NY Times)

- The Times also has an article on a Wife Swap on the Middle East which is has limitless potential. (Guess which family ended up being more racist?) and an article about an identity that is worth reading.

Wife Swap (NY Times)

ID Thief (NY Times)

Allow Me To Re-Introduce Myself...

(Getting his Bill Cosby on)

I've gained a significant amount of respect for Jay-Z in the last few years, even with the slow-motion disaster of his Linkin Park mash-up "Collision Course."

How can you not, this is the man that twists out Beyonce on a regular basis (and Rihanna on a slow day) while doing commercials for HP computers.

His ad is hot by the way,

Check it here.

He's partly responsible for bringing the Nets to Brooklyn (for better or worse) and he just donated $30,000 to a few public schools.

As the Def Jam president, Rihanna and Young Jeezy, however crappy they may be, are platinum artists and his "Reasonable Doubt" 10-year anniversary concert he announced sold out in about 2.56 seconds.

So it was pretty bizarre when Frederic Rouzaud, the managing director of Louis Roderer Cristal, said that he considers the mentioning of Cristal by rappers as "unwelcome attention."

You can't really be surprised considering the beating hip-hop has gotten this year in the media.
Rap is struggling to reconcile its immense commercial power with constant stream of murders, shoot-outs, drug arrests and airport bans that will always overshadow any drops of positive news hip-hop can generate.

In recent weeks, even Oprah has called out Ice Cube, 50 Cent and Ludacris.
This is a rap war I would love to see. (Don't make Oprah tell the white mothers to get angry.)

Granted hip-hop has some violence issues, Puffy may have cracked someone over the head with a bottle of Cristal and Jay-Z may have a stabbed a nigga or two in his life.

But with his entrepreneurial spirit, why would a luxury brand move away from someone like Jay who has the ear of the young conspicuously consuming Negro like no other.

This is the man that mentioned that he would stop wearing sports jerseys in favor of button-ups and almost bankrupted Foot Locker and tripled the sales at Brooks Brothers.

It goes to show that some companies may be willing to disassociate from hip-hop's money just to get away from hip-hop's image.
You don't want the rich white men that keep Cristal in business to think that they are buying a product negroes can afford and may assault them with.

But Jay-Z does have the money and power to let his displeasure be known and he has banned Cristal from his 40/40 Club and his personal liquor shelf. He also launched a boycott to match.

Just last year in Young Jeezy's "Go Crazy" Remix Jay-Z said,

"I'm not a role model, my bad influence got the world drinking gold bottles
When Puff was in that tub spilling Mo
I was at my video
Cris on the speedboat."

I guess we'll only see rappers pour Moet on video hos from now on.
It'll take some time to get used and the video hos might be upset, but I'm willing to stand with Jay on this one.

Are you?


Update:

Cristal said, "Sorry Jigga, please pour our liquor on your video hoes."

Or maybe they said this,

• “A house like Louis Roederer would not have existed since 1776 without being totally open and tolerant to all forms of culture and art, including the most recent musical and fashion styles, which, like hip-hop, keep us in touch with modernity.”
  
  

Read the original article from The Economist here, which is a pretty racist article on the part of the writer.

It's Hard Out There For An Indian

And he still got it right.
Them Indians don't play.
Of course, if he didn't he would have been on the next flight back to Bombay.


- Ben Roethlisberger is a moron.

• On May 7, 2005, the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette wrote that "Roethlisberger's contract does not prohibit him from riding motorcycles, even helmetless." And even though coach Bill Cowher had told the quarterback that he didn't want him to ride without a helmet, Roethlisberger said he wasn't going to follow that advice (Pennsylvania does not require that riders wear helmets).
  
  "I think that's my own discretion," Roethlisberger told the Post-Gazette about not wearing a helmet. "Obviously, Pennsylvania doesn't think people need to." He also said that riding was one way he liked to relax.

And now he has a broken nose and jaw.
Smooth.
I still can't believe they won the Super Bowl.


- Could Bush's advisor on Iraq get it?

Granted, this chick is pretty much responsible for the bullshit news Bush gets on Iraq.
But she is single.
And after a long day of spinning car bombings into more pleasant news, she has to unwind somehow.

Snitch of the Week: 6/4 - 6/10

(Snitch of the Year?)

So much high quality snitching last week.
I have to give props to the two runner-ups for Snitch of the Week.


Runner-up 1:

- Jason Grimely who admitted that baseball players are still banging needles to get big, "Latin players had boxes of drugs" and almost wore a wire to get Barry Bonds.

Dallas Penn beat me at my own game and wrote about this already.


Runner-up 2:

- Documents from the National Archive revealed this week that the CIA hid the locations of Nazi war criminals (from Israel) after WWII.
There were so obsessed with winning the Cold War they used ex-Nazis (if you can ever really be an ex-Nazi) as spies and hid anyone, inculding Adolf Eichmann, that they thought could drop the dime on their undercover anti-communist efforts in West Germany.

No wonder the U.S. government was trying to reclassify the National Archives earlier this year. They don't want the 3 people who read to be up on this shit.

Remember, this is the same CIA that recently failed to keep its European torture prisons a secret, and lost a long running civil war to Islamists connected to Al-Qeada that actually ended up making them more powerful. If we retried My Lai, then why not the Bay of Pigs?

Can anyone tell me why we have a C.I.A. exactly?
Sounds like Syriana was pretty accurate.

Normally shit like that would be Snitch of the Week but there were bigger things popped off last week.


- We got Zarqawi, not because of the brilliance of our intelligence agencies, but because somebody snitched.

According to one version of events, Ziad Khalaf Raja al-Karbouly or Bob, as he is commonly known, dropped the beans on a man that frequently met with Zarqawi and then the U.S. connected the dots and dropped the bomb.

You can determine if he snitched to try to get the $25 million in reward money or had wires applied to his crotch to help his verbal skills.

On the other hand, The NY Times says that someone who is uncaptured and still in Al Qaeda dropped the dime.

You can decide which snitch really made it happen, but it's just good to know that the Start Snitching movement has gone international.
To all the Muslims who gave up the goose, you are the Snitch of the Week.

Weekend Links For That Ass

Beer pouring robots.
True...

_______________________________________________



(That ain't strawberry sauce.)

Don't go swimming in Palestine.
Apparently Israel were inspired by the US bombing of Zarqawi and decided to take a little action of their own. Instead they hit a family that was chilling on the beach.
Whoops.
Read.

- Killing Muslims lowers the price of oil?
Stay away from your local mosque.
Read.

- Zarqawi has the Internet going nuts.
"I would call him the Alexander Graham Bell of terrorist propaganda," said Evan F. Kohlmann, who follows militants' Web sites at GlobalTerrorAlert.com.

Read.

- Lemon juice prevents AIDS?
Just wear condoms African people.
For real.
Read.

- MySpace is the special ed classroom of the Internet.
A girl from Michigan tricked her parents into getting her a passport so she could fly to the Middle East to met her MySpace boyfriend.
Read.

Death penalty for raping children?
It will never happen but I'm down.
Read.

WWII was racist and MLK Jr's. family are a hot mess.

And finally, the "Nigga Defense" didn't work.
Good try though.
Read.

Are you on The Wire?

(The realest shit I ever saw.)

I just finished watching Season 3 of The Wire and I am in awe.

While The Shield still remains the greatest television show ever, Season 3 of The Wire is most perfectly constructed season of the television I have ever seen.
And I have seen a fair amount of television.

For those who don't know The Wire is an HBO police drama that follows a large cast of characters, all of whom are involved with the case being investigated that season. The show is so layered and complex that if you blink too much or watch an episode out of order you will not know what is going on. This is not The Simpsons, where you can miss a whole season and still enjoy the show. Everything matters.
The show is so inter-connected that I will go as far as to say that the individual episodes would be boring and pointless without the context of the season. Most shows are not written like that.

Peep the mentality of the shows' creator David Simon,

• "The best crime shows were essentially about good and evil. Justice, revenge, betrayal, redemption. The Wire, by contrast, has ambitions elsewhere. Specifically: We are bored with good and evil. We renounce the theme."
  
  "I can only add that we are not selling hope, or audience gratification, or cheap victories with this show. The Wire is making an argument about what institutions—bureaucracies, criminal enterprises, the cultures of addiction, raw capitalism even—do to individuals. It is not designed purely as an entertainment. It is, I'm afraid, a somewhat angry show."
  
  

Damn homie.

You get the street level dealers, their bosses, the cops and their bosses, a few junkies, some stick up kids and the politicians that fuck it up for all of them.
All the characters are fleshed out and their lives connect in truly resonant and realistic ways.
This is not some "Crash" type bullshit where the cops who rapes your wife ends up saving her life and has a sick father that is supposed to make you feel sorry for him.

With its obvious greatness, The Wire gets some of the most gushing reviews from TV critics, but little love from viewers or the white people that hand out little statues.
And after finishing Season 3 , I figured out why.
The Wire is the blackest show on telelvision.

Not happy black in the way Bill Cosby dreams about or extra coonish in the manner that keeps UPN on the air. Just the real type of blackness that you would see from the people trapped in the hell of Inner City, America. As an abandoned urban nightmare of a city, Baltimore ends up being the most unlikely and greatest place to base a TV show at the same time.

Season 1 starts off slow because the characters are still new and you have no idea who is what, but it ends up being the most fascinating polemic on the American "War on Drugs" I have ever seen.

Season 2 changes tone somewhat and focuses on the death of the American worker and union. Pretty damn relevant considering the Wal-Martification of America.

Season 3 goes back to the drugs and focuses more on the political angle hinted at in Season 1. The quality of the writing will make you burn anything you ever attempted.

The Wire is the great American novel.
You just watch it on HBO.

______________________________________


- In other TV goodness, the television gods have bestowed a 7th and final season of The Shield.
That means that The Shield will end its run with 88 episodes. (More than The Sopranos, 6Ft Under or any of the great cable shows.)
The time you spend watching those 88 episodes of the Shield will be more enjoyable than most of the relationships you have in your life.
I guarantee.

- Call me an HBO whore, but when I read about truly bizarre deaths in the news, I picture them in the intro to Six Feet Under.

A woman came out of the shower after hearing a scream, to find her husband had jumped off a building and previously thrown their two children, 4 and 8, off of the 15th floor hotel they were at.

All of this was on their 10 year anniversary.
Why would you bring you children to your 10 year anniversary hotel room?
And what the fuck was this guy's secret?

If this guy saw the season finale of The Shield he would not have killed his family until at least the middle of 2007.
There is no way you could end your life without knowing what happens to the Strike Team.

- Finally, who posted this?

• strike team > your life said...

  "Now why did you have to go and get me started watching the shield? Because of one of your posts (yes I'm impressionable like that) I went out and got the first two seasons... WTF??? this shit plays on TV? In the US of A? All I can say is thank you - I stayed up all night last night completing the second season and I can't wait to get caught up all the way to season 5. The Shield is better than anything that has ever been on TV. Period."
  
  

Don't post shit like that anonymously. Anyone who watches The Shield is a potential new friend.

Weekend Clean Up

(Here we go again...)

Keeping on theme with Asians,

They also have found the time and means to make a raft out of Gatorade bottles.

This is why China will rule the world.

Other equally bored but less Asian people have made Titanic replicas out of matchsticks.

I need to learn to channel boredom so creatively.


- The rest of this post has no theme, I just need to get a bunch of pictures off of my desktop.



When Iraqi kids are rocking "Just Do It" Nike shirts while jumping over the debris of shot-down military helicopters and little kids are proudly displaying their heat, it's no surprise veterans come home looking like this...




- And these two pictures continue to disturb me.



Rich white people collecting Africans is the new slavery.
While everyone was giving Angelina Jolie white liberal handshakes for adopting an African baby, no one peeped the fact that the child's grandmother basically begged not to have her grandchild kidnapped by Mr. and Mrs. Smith.
Oh, liberals...



Seeing a super crispy African dude praying in the middle of the desert to a lily-white Jesus hits me a little on the funny side.
He couldn't have gotten a negro Jesus portrait from one of his cousins on 125th St. in Harlem?
Damn homie.

Michigan Welcomes You!

(Hoffa cupcakes... that's gully)

I thought we already found Jimmy Hoffa in Tony Soprano's stomach early on this season of "The Sopranos" but apparently the FBI missed that episode, so they are back on the search for Jimmy and everyone is having fun with it.

With signs like, "To Find Hoffa, Look in the Yellow Pages Under Cement" the vibe is clear.
Small-town Midwesterners will bury you in a farm and laugh about it.


- French women confirmed what I have always said, pretty women don't need to wear makeup. The new thing is France is the ignorantly named "Le no makeup" look. (Similar to the du-rag I bought in France that I call "Le du rag.")

• In a 2004 poll by the market research group Mintel, 64 percent of American women said they sometimes use foundation, compared with 47 percent of French women; 81 percent of Americans use lipstick compared with 70 percent of French women and 59 percent of Americans use blusher, compared with 43 percent.

Not to side with France but American girls kill it with the make-up. In Michigan there were these twins that lived on my floor that looked like the were running a makeup research lab and whenever they opened the door, the dorm coughed in unison because of the nauseating combination of perfumes they had coming out of there.
And if you have ever taken a NY subway you have seen some true crimes against humanity pretending to be women.
Who wins in this situation?
These women are always alone, so the attention angle of it has failed, and then everyone has to stare at them in a sad state of confusion until their stop comes.
Just sad...


- You think you can hold your liquor?
A Lithuanian truck driver had his blood alcohol limit clocked at over 18 times the legal limit. The shit was so high they thought their readers were broken.
You should be dead at about 9 times over the legal limit.
Eastern Europeans do not play.


- If the deaf protest and none of them hear it, is it really a protest? (Sorry, I couldn't resist)


- On the heels of Cat Stevens rejection from the U.S., the first terrorist pop star MIA was denied an American visa by immigration officials.

Look, Arular is a really good album, but the chick's father is a terrorist, she shouts out the PLO and says "Inshallah" (Arabic for 'Boom!' er, I mean "God willing.") in her skits.

Why the hell would she expect not to get flagged?
The U.S. has to catch someone every once in a while.

The funniest shit about this is her incoherent MySpace post

• THEY TRY SHUT MY DOOR!

  Roger roger do you here me over!!!!
  the U.S immigration wont let me in!!!!!
  i was mennu work with timber startin this week, but now im doin a Akon "im locked out they wont let me in" im locked out! they wont let me in! Now Im strictly making my album outside the borders!!!! so il see you all one day, for now ill keep reportin from the sidelines
  to my people who walk wiv me in the America, dont forget we got the internet! Spread the word! or come get me!!!!!! ill be in my bird flu lab in china! liming and drinkin tiger beer with my pet turtel. I love everyone for the support, now i need it more. ill stay up spread out else where.

...and the morons who respond to her chicken scratch like it's the Newer Testament.

Why is MySpace so awful?


- I don't know if any news I've heard about the Iraqi war beats this old article I read in the NY Times.
If you've seen the first season of Arrested Development this shit is extra hilarious.

Carl Weathers (Apollo Creed from Rocky), the man who ripped off David Cross with his promise of acting lessons while stealing his food, is now giving acting lessons to Iraqi-Americans in a mock-up Iraqi village that the U.S. military built in the Arizona desert in order to train its troops.

wow


- Thanks for tolerating my random ass roundup of ridiculous, but I had to get that out.
I've been busy trying out the new Microsoft/MTV online music store, Urge, and that shit is pretty hot.
It won't work with an iPod but the shit is still hot.
I'll be coming back to it soon.