Friday, April 21, 2006

Start Snitching at the Movies

(Just not around me.)

No, I don't mean scream out the surprise endings of suspense films in a crowded theater.

I mean that I went to the movies during my week of computerlessness.

Granted there were too many white teenie boppers smoking cigarettes and cutting class outside the theater, (or not, it may be Easter vacation) but it beats out the black theaters that are closer to me.

I have noticed that white theaters have 42% less shouting at the screen as well as 100% fewer screen bullet holes. (Please do not think I am joking about the bullet holes in the screen.)

In a sad testament to the quality of average commercial moviegoing, I struggled to find 3 movies to sneak into. There used to be times when I could walk into four movies in a row without any planning.

I printed out the damn theater schedule and after my first movie and I still barely found three movies worth watching.
But I wouldn't be able to sleep at night knowing that I paid for one ticket and only saw one movie.

That's not what theaters are for. That's not what the MPAA wants, or at least what I think they want.

For those wondering, I saw "Inside Man," "Scary Movie 4" and "Thank You For Smoking."

"Inside Man" was a solid NYC loving heist flick that wasn't as surprising as I was lead to believe.
Jodie Foster was rather hot for some reason and Denzel had him a black woman at home, as is written into every one of his films contracts.
(Denzel loves the sisters!)
All in all it was a good comeback for Spike Lee after the public donkey show of "She Hate Me."
Denzel needs to do a completely non-Denzel different movie soon.

"Scary Movie 4" was the worst movie I saw since "Scary Movie 3." Which of course was the worst movie I saw since "Scary Movie 2." I remember "Scary Movie 1" as being slightly funny although I was a film virgin at the time.

"Why the fuck have you seen every single Scary Movie, you tasteless bastard?"

Allow me to explain, I saw the first movie because I was young, black and I thought the Wayans brothers were funny at the time.
I saw Scary Movie 2 while visiting family that had nothing but black DVD's to watch and that movie won out because there was nothing else to do.

I saw Scary Movie 3 because I knew it would be awful and I wanted to write a really bitter review for my college newspaper.
And Scary Movie 4 was the only movie that started after Inside Man and finished in time for the next movie.

Scary Movie 4 is the type of movie that makes you feel bad about being alive.
It's the type of movie that makes you wildly look all around the theater while wondering, "Who the fuck could be enjoying this?"
"Why is this funny? How many times can you laugh at someone hitting their head on a surface? Why am I so much better than all these people?

There were three funny parts that aren't even worth typing out at this point.

But the movie of the day was "Thank You For Smoking."
It's rare to find a humorous political movie that isn't really slapping you in the head the entire time with a point of view other than have your own point of view.
There is no grand moralizing or redemption for the soulless lobbyist at the end. Just reality.

This movie is like American Psycho in its glimpse into white male yuppie-dom and corporate emptiness. Without the blood shower.
And anything similar to American Psycho is a friend of mine.

I still need to see V For Vendetta for the blood shower I missed out on.
Anything else worthwhile in the theaters this year?


  1. you watched scary movie 4? I almost died of shock...I think hell is freezing over as I write.:P If you're not joking about the bullet holes, then Damn! That's extreme movie watching right there, YIKES!

  2. Waist Deep mofo, feat. the Game, how can you miss it? actually i don't think it's out yet, and i actually it never does come out.

  3. People in NY feel compelled to shoot at movie screens for reasons unknown to me.

    If I have to watch the Game anywhere unless but on a CD cover there will be problems.

  4. v for vendetta! good flick. different, but good.

  5. You've seen every "Scary Movie." You can't ever insult my taste again. Just remember this.

  6. I too love white theaters...I don't have to threaten people and folks usually give me a three seat berth.

    Plus you don't hear things like when I went to see Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. As soon as the first person speaks and the subtitle comes up the back row says in unison: "We gotta read this shyt!"

  7. Joey
    I've seen every Scary Movie for reasons explained and with extremem suffering.
    I don't watch the OC like some, and enjoy it.

    I have seen the subtitles lament as well.
    Oh, black people. It's sad sometimes.

  8. I feel like checking "Silent Hill".