Friday, January 13, 2006

What happened while I was gone?

All done with the West Coast.

Whenever I go on an extended trip where I turn off the world, I always come back with refreshed ambivalence towards the world and all its nonsensical happenings.

It must be the lack of constantly updating online newspapers and mind rotting local news always on in the background. Perhaps that is why people who don't follow politics or current events are so damn happy.

I have about a dozen days of NY Times headlines, three weeks of Village Voices, an LA Weekly I picked up over there, good paper, and lots of other depressing ass shit to catch up.

So what did events of importance transpired in my absence from the news?
What pressing issues did local newsman have to update me on?

Sharon's super coma/stroke?

Possible impeachable offenses for the Bush administration's wiretap scandal?

Nuclear holy war with Iran?

Of course not.

It was a phone-in opinion poll on the Pitt-Jolie baby.

Do you

A) Want it aborted and have Jenn eat the remains as penance?
B) Want it cloned and frozen for the future prosperity of the human race?
C) Wish it was your child?
D) Live vicariously through the lives of others?

Or something like that.

Not to be outdone, another Brad Pitt leftover, Gwyneth Paltrow, announced her second baby with Urban Outfitters background music artist and emo TV moment music provider, Chris Martin, aka lead singer of Coldplay.

Oh and by the end of '06 we will have iJeans from Levi's.

If you wear these with a Von Dutch hat and listen to Franz Ferdinand on your video iPod does a hipster get its wings somewhere?

I'm glad to see the media has gotten their priorities in order.

Things to you learn in L.A.

1) If they are putting white college females who try to hop the fence into the Rose Bowl in handcuffs, then you don't want to know what they will do to a black man with a doo-rag.

Granted, I am a lot faster than those two chicks, but chill hombre. The LAPD and Start Snitching don't get down like that together.

2) Amoeba will actually make you want to buy music again. You have never seen so music good music in one place, unless you've seen my CD collection that is. Ahem. And I saw Bushwick Bill from the Geto Boys in there. Any place you see Bushwick Bill is worth going to.

3) Getting full with $5 is a good thing.
Korean rice pancakes, which sound frightening at first, are actually the shit.
Koreans rock, except when they're driving, and almost hit me.
They rock significantly less in this department.

4) Hop the turnstiles if you do have to take public transportation.

Well there are no turnstile per se, it's more like an honor system.

But anyone as scorned by the NYC's very own MTA will gladly enjoy walking right on and off a train, no questions asked.

5) Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles, tastes like chicken, well... combined with waffles.

6) Arnold Schwarzenegger is really the Governor of California. The news confirmed this sad reality when they said the words "Governor Schwarzenegger."

7) Paying less than a $1,000 a month to live in a space larger than a closet can make you happy.

8) The movie "Crash" was fiction. While the sidewalks are indeed very empty, and there are a lot of cars, I failed to have the parallel events of my life and anyone else's connect in a moment of extreme vulnerability and emotion. Nor was I fingered by any members of the LAPD. I was gyped.

9) The Six Feet Under house is not in a good neighborhood. I didn't see many Bloods and Crips when Claire was screaming about Republicans and Nate was arguing with his dad's ghost.

Damn you television!
Stop selling me lies.

10) I can beat you in Mario Kart.

That is all.


  1. Oh you fuckin suck!!! You couldn’t let that go could you? LMFAO what you said about the Korean pancakes is true as well as their driving capabilities, but you beating me at Mario Kart? I don’t think so; you might want to rephrase that need I remind you I let you win.

  2. Oh, and you forgot to mention your rediscovery of VHS tapes, horrible 80's hair and clothes, and we cant forget the most important thing bringing back "moded" and the all time favorite "yoink."