Semi-late Oscar Roundup

(Subtlety reigns supreme...)

I am on a quest to watch all the major award shows this year.
Except the Tony's of course.

Grammy's down, Oscar's in action and Emmy's up next.

Down to business.

1. Jon Stewart was not as funny as Chris Rock.
Period.
He was nervous and was too self-depreciating.

A good Bjork/Cheney joke was well- received but the rest was, eh.
It was like watching the Colbert Report.

Stuffy ass Hollywood people need Chris Rock poking holes in their inflated sense of self-worth.
Although Rock played it clean in 2005, he still managed to piss off everyone when he said something I have long felt was true, "There are only four real stars, and the rest are just popular people."

As well as...

"You ever see a movie so bad that you question the actor's finances?" Rock said. "I saw this movie 'Boat Trip' the other day and I immediately sent Cuba Gooding a check for $80. Why don't some movies work? Because the studios make them too fast. OK? If you can't get a star, wait!"

Playing to those of us at home who pay $9.50 per ticket, Rock pointed out to the industry crowd that Colin Farrell is not Russell Crowe, Ja Rule is not Tupac and Jude Law is not Tom Cruise. "Who is Jude Law? Why is he in every movie I've seen in the last four years?" Rock joked.

Etc.

2. Funniest moment was when Ben Stiller's green screen failed to impress Spielberg. As Stiller said "I'm blowing Spielberg's mind," Spielberg shook his head while he clearly mouthed to the camera, "No you're not."

Gay cowboy montage was good as well.

The faux-political ads were on point as was most of the political humor as were the side jabs at Hollywood.

After the montage of social films, that included "Driving Miss Daisy" from some reason, Stewart remarked, "And none of those issues were every a problem again."

3. Charlize Theron is hot.

4. Reese Witherspoon is unattractive.
While that has nothing to do with her strong performance in "Walk the Line" it is worth noting.
Also the trannie from "Desperate Housewives" should have won.

5. Why was the blackest moment of the night from a white guy from South Africa?
Gavin Hood, the director of "Tsotsi," a movie that I deem as good without having seen it, shouted out Viva Africa and a bunch of other shit that put Black History Month to shame.

6. Robert Altman is the man. The more I thought about the more I realize what a great director he is.
He has made dozens of movies and many of them are bad. That is a fact.
But he has made some of the most incredible and varied movies seen from one director. Even someone I love, like a Woody Allen, does the same thing over and over.
Altman keeps it about as random as my blog.

"MASH," "The Player," "Short Cuts," and "The Long Goodbye (my favorite) alone are better than some entire director's careers.

Fuck an honorary Oscar.

7. "March of the Penguins" was so cheesy and maudlin. It's a real shame that it won. Especially compared to other docs that had trailers that were more interesting than Penguins.

8. Fuck "Crash."

The racist cop who rapes your wife will probably not save her from a burning car in slow motion.

Your Mexican maid is not your best friend no matter how shallow everything else.

Nigros who rob people don't complain about being racially profiled.

Don Cheadle don't fuck with white chicks. (Ok, well I just made up that last part.)

I loved "Million Dollar Baby" but Paul Haggis really slapped me in the face with this one.
This movie is like the rich suburban kid who just found out about race trying to teach you about tolerance and diversity.

This movie's victory confirms Hollywood's love of pseudo-depth and self-congratulatory addressing of 'social issues.'

9. Dolly Parton got robbed. "Travelin' Thru" is fire and that Three 6 Mafia song is garbage.

The West Side Rent Story dancers in the foreground was a fucking joke. What a overwrought and utterly foolish performance of a mediocre song.

10. All in all it was a boring TV show that shouldn't have been 3 and a half hours.

Bring back Chris Rock and edit the show into a concise 2-hour program.
Read the nominees faster and cut out the bullshit awards.
Get more interesting presenters.

Or just get Dick Cheney to shoot Bjork.